Weekend :)

I had a day off today so I did some grocery shopping and watched twilight on TV. I still remember that I was touched by Bella and Edward’s forever love when I first watched the movie maybe two years ago. However, when I was watching it again this afternoon I just felt that it’s too silly and childish. I find it hard to believe that there is any guy in the world want to give unconditionally love to any girl at this age. At least I haven’t seen one so far.

When I was gonna go get my printer from my car, I ran into Patrick at the hallway. Patrick is a maintenance guy works for the hotel who is at his 50s. He is always nice and friendly and helpful. He was gonna go fix some broken toilet so we stopped and talked for a little bit. I found out that Patrick is 56 years old, with no family or kids. I suddenly felt so bad for him. I asked him why didn’t he get married, he laughed and said ‘look at me. Who wants to marry me? I’ve got no enough money and I’m too old for that.’ I almost broke into tears when I saw him smile. It was not a smile but full of bitterness and helplessness. It got even worse when he told me that all of his siblings are died. He has absolutely no family at all.

Recently I have been feeling strong about my family. As an emotional person, I’ve always found myself have an extremely strong attachment to people, either family or friends. Right now, I am living here all alone by myself, and that made me confused every day trying to find a purpose/reason to keep my life like this. When I had a boyfriend of course things were easier for me, but now my purpose is fully about my brother. I feel like I always need someone else to be my purpose for working/living at a hard condition because I just don’t have enough motivation to keep pushing myself. That’s actually the main reason why I broke up with Josh, because he is too self-centered. He told me that I shouldn’t do things for the purpose of my brother but of myself. I was terrified by his thoughts. I couldn’t and still can’t believe how can someone has such a cold heart that he never wants to make any sacrifices for anyone else, even his family, but himself. For me, I enjoy the feeling of doing things for my brother, but Josh could never understand. He is so selfish that I was afraid that if one day I get sick, he would just leave me without any hesitation. I don’t think he is a bad person, but honestly I think someone like him deserves to be alone forever.

Talking to Patrick made me so upset because I couldn’t bare the thoughts of myself living that life. Family means everything for me. I love my parents, brother, grandparents, and uncles. I still dream of taking them to travel with me all the time. And being together with my whole family is and always be my primary purpose. If I would ever end up being alone, then life means nothing to me since there is no purpose for me anymore.